Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
From Facebook just now…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Sing it!
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?