I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.