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Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m crying im so happy for them
Scream sneezers need love too.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…