“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
You Might Also Like
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
the noise i just made
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Meanwhile in Canada…
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes