A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My neck my back my allergy attack
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.