First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.