dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.