[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?