Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
inside you are two wolves
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking