[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Mountain Goat : )
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.