A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
this is how life feels
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”