Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead