Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.