My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.