When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Me in tagged photos
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!