Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.