Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
cry laughing at this shit
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍