On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.