(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.