Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years