A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Canada has crack?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I’m tired tomorrow.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?