Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?