I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
so weird how every mom was born today
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops