*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
She: I like Cats
He:
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Lmao
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Sunday
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two