Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.