Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You Might Also Like
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito