Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.