Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”