For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.