Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
the battle rages on
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*