looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists