9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
You Might Also Like
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no