I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
i want to work in this restaurant
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine