Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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pelicons
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
mom gave me mine for free
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat