Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
concern
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
where do you see yourself in five years?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Still my favorite television listing of all time: