In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Self-cleaning conscience
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
my favorite genre of twitter
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Cndnsd Mlk
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.