inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho