[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”