When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
You Might Also Like
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it