[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
This will never not be funny 😭
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no