Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
…żyje?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.