And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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that de-escalated quickly
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Google assistant rules
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard