Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You Might Also Like
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.