Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You Might Also Like
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
dictator is short for richard potato
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.