i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I…do not understand how electricity works.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.