I like to take long walks away from stupid people
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
How to find Kentucky on a map
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
#ProTip
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?