I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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Otters see a butterfly.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.