I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.