Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
You Might Also Like
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth