PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
6. me as a lawyer
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
(more comics:
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*